Published: Tuesday, February 22, 2011, 11:49 PM ��� Updated: Tuesday, February 22, 2011, 11:59 PM
Welcome back to "Glee," our regularly scheduled hour of plot contrivances, wacky hijinks and themes shoehorned into existing plotlines with the subtlety and grace of Michael Bay film. That said, the episode kinda worked, mostly thanks to an awesome drunken rendition of the Human League?s ?Don?t You Want Me Baby? by Blaine and Rachel and the payoff of a public airing of an excruciating drunk-dial by Mr. Schu.
This week, the Glee club tackled the evils of alcohol, a k a ?the wet devil.? Well, didn?t so much tackle it as made wet sloppy love to it. While Principal Figgins is bemoaning the glorification of teenage drinking (?Just listen to any hit by pop sensation Ke-dollarsign-ha?) and recruiting the Glee club to perform at an anti-alcohol assembly, Puck is recruiting Rachel to throw a party at her house while her two dads were out of town on a Rosie O?Donnell cruise. She initially refuses. Then Finn (with accompanist Brad in tow; we?ve missed Brad and his bottomless well of silent scorn) shows up in the Glee room so Rachel can try out the song she wrote on him. It?s an overwrought ode to her ? headband. ?When schoolgirl pigtails won?t do/And I need to control my ?do/You?re the only one I can count on/My headband/You?re my headband.? She rhymes melon with Magellan. She must be stopped. Finn?s take? ?It?s not like it?s emotional ? or good.? She tells him that she just wrote about what she knew, so he tells her she needs to live a little more. Hey ? how she throws a kegger at her house while her dads are away?
Meanwhile, Mr. Schu and Emma make amends. He tells her he heard she and her new husband Carl are looking for a house together, so he picked her up a toaster. Two slice! When Emma asks him whether he?s dating anyone, Sue butts in. She suggests Mr. Schu preemptively enroll in Alcoholics Anonymous (see? theme!), After all, his Glee kids can only beat choirs of old people, and now they?ll face a rival club coached by Sue herself. Plus: ?You?re rehashing the details of your failed marriage with the very lemur who rejected the bestial horror of your craven sexual advances.? Emma tries to change the subject: How did Sue end up coaching a club from a rival school? (Wait, is that an attempt to address a gaping hole in the plot? The next thing we know, someone will wonder aloud how McKinley High can afford to keep a professional accompanist, set designer and costumer on staff. Or how Sue can get away with physically assaulting students. Or where Rachel finds dresses printed with Scottie dogs. This cannot stand!) We flash over to Westvale High, where Sue tosses the ?chipper homosexual? show choir leader down the stairs. And then does it again when he fails to demonstrate the appropriate level of brain damage. That's how she got to coach Aural Intensity.
At Rachel?s house, or more specifically, in her parents? unrealistically airy basement, er, ?Oscar room,? the gang has gathered to party. (Why is Kurt dressed like a particularly frisky version of Rolf from ?The Sound of Music??) Unfortunately, Rachel?s idea of a throw-down is something even Jan Brady would find dorky, and everyone starts to head out. ?How am I supposed to write ?Both Sides Now? if I can?t even throw a party?? Rachel grouses. Puck suggests they break into her dads? liquor cabinet. And with that, the party is started. Santana is doing shots off Brittany tummy, Artie dons Brittany?s pink shrug, and Rachel samples a wine cooler and screams, ?It tastes like pink!? She?s right about that. Finn breaks down the drunk girl archetypes (wait, Finn is familiar with the concept of archetypes?) to a buzzed Rachel. Santana is the weepy hysterical drunk; Lauren Zizes and Quinn are the angry girls; Brittany is the one whom alcohol turns into a stripper; Mercedes and Tina are happy girl drunks; and Rachel, unfortunately, is the clingy, needy drunk. It?s not cool, Finn says. Rachel is chastened for a moment, then decides to amp up the fun. Spin the bottle time! Rachel spins the wine cooler, and it lands on a very drunk Blaine. They start kissing, and then they really start kissing. ?Your face kissed awesome,? Rachel breathes. ?I think I just found my new duet partner.? Cue the Human League. At the end, Rachel gets that look ? remember the one that terrified Mr. Schu during their ?Endless Love? duet? That look.
The next morning, Kurt?s dad barges into his room for some cooking tips, and is nonplussed to see Blaine ? fully dressed, mind you ? just waking up in Kurt?s bed.
At school, the Glee kids are still hungover. Santana pulled a ?full Linda Blair,? while Mike Chang says his mother thought he was sick and made him drink a traditional teal made out of panda bear hair. Luckily Artie shows up with the perfect hangover cure ? Bloody Marys. (It just hit me ? didn?t they do this episode in the first season, when the entire club gets hooked on speed?) Suddenly, they?re in a production number of Jamie Foxx?s ?Blame It on the Alcohol.? While drunk. Mr. Schu, the most clueless man alive, doesn?t notice a thing. He likes the performance, but worries that the song glorifies drinking. Ya think?
Mr. Schu talks to Coach Beiste about whether it?s hypocritical to tell the kids not to drink when he got drunk at their age and ?I ended up okay.? Um, define okay? Coach Beiste thinks maybe there?s something else that?s bothering him. Why, yes. Mr. Schu conveniently is just now realizing that his divorce is sinking in ? huh? ? and he?s sad that Emma has moved on. Coach Beiste says he needs some stress relief ? a night out at the local honkytonk bar.
Meanwhile, Rachel pours herself some liquid courage (pink was apparently a very good year) and calls Blaine to ask him on a date. She catches him at the local coffee bar, where he?s hanging out with Kurt. Blaine accepts, and after he hangs up, he tells Kurt. Kurt is amused but tells Blaine not to lead her on. ?Who says I?m leading her on?? ?You?re gay,? Kurt hisses. ?I thought I was, but I never even had a boyfriend before. Isn?t this the time you?re supposed to figure stuff out? Maybe I?m bi.? This sits very ill with Kurt. ?Bisexuals are a term gay guys in high school use when they want to hold hands with girls and feel like a normal person for a change.? He?s upset because he looks up to Blaine, and quite frankly, we can?t blame him. Blaine has essentially been the poster boy for the Lambda Legal Fund, and one drunken kiss and suddenly he?s questioning who he is? Painting Blaine as completely out and proud and suddenly pulling back just rings false. Do they not remember Blaine serenading his would-be lover at The Gap not two weeks ago? ?However confusing it might be for you, it?s actually a lot more confusing for me,? says Blaine, who appears to have first considered the possibility of being bisexual all of 20 seconds ago. ?You?re 100 percent sure of who you are. Fantastic. Well, maybe we can?t all be so lucky.?
Mr. Schu proceeds to get extremely drunk at the honkytonk bar, but still manages to perform a decent rendition of ?One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer? with Coach Beiste. They return home ? making it very clear that they didn?t drive drunk ? and continue their chat about the hypocrisy of alcohol education. ?The best we can do is make them aware of the dangers and hope they can make a good decision on their own.? What are the dangers, other than driving drunk, alcohol poisoning and reconsidering one?s sexuality? Drunk-dialing! Mr. Schu leaves a message for Emma ? or so he thinks, until he tries to apologize to her at school. But she says she never got a call from him. Hmmmmm.
After Rachel and Blaine?s date, Kurt shows up at Rachel?s house, ostensibly to help her clean up from the keg party, but really to get the gory details. The date involved watching "Love Story" in character. The only way the date could have been more stereotypically gay is if they capped the evening by performing ?It?s Raining Men? at a karaoke bar. They did not kiss, Kurt is relieved to hear. He tries to tell Rachel gently that Blaine is just conflicted at the moment. Then he breaks it to her not-so-gently: ?Blaine is the first in a long line of conflicted men that you will date that will later turn out to be only the most flaming of homosexuals.? Rachel insists that there?s something there, and she will prove it by kissing Blaine stone cold sober.
It?s finally time for Kurt?s cooking lesson with his dad. Burt Hummel broaches the subject of Blaine sleeping over the other night. He tells Kurt he?s uncomfortable with this, and tells him he should have asked permission first. ?I?m worried about you being inappropriate in my house.? Kurt bristles, saying he wouldn?t question Finn if Puck stayed over, but Burt says that?s not the point ? he wouldn?t let a girl sleep over with Finn. When Burt then plays his supportive dad card, Kurt says, ?So it?s not being gay that upsets you, it?s just me acting on it.? Burt says he doesn?t know what two guys do when they?re together: ?I sat through that whole ?Brokeback Mountain.? From what I gather, something went down in the tent.? Kurt finally apologizes, saying he won?t let anyone who might be gay sleep over without asking his dad first. Then Kurt asks his dad to educate himself, ?so if I have any questions I could go to my dad like any straight son could.? Burt looks less than thrilled at this prospect.
It?s the day of the alcohol awareness assembly, and Rachel brings in something to calm their nerves. A Chivas cocktail with brandy, vermouth, port wine, Scotch and Kool-Aid. And crumbled-up Oreos. And cough syrup. They toast to Ke$ha because they?ll be performing her anti-alcohol anthem ?Tik Tok.? That makes sense in what universe? Brittany and Auto-Tune take the lead, and it?s a pretty impressive showing until Brittany projectile vomits what looks like liquid Smurf on Rachel. Which prompts a sympathetic vomit form Santana. Show?s over, folks.
Sue decides to drive the anti-alcohol message home by playing over the school P.A. system ? yes, you guessed it ? the drunk-dial by Mr. Schu, ?the alcohol team vomit fetishist.? It starts with ?Heeeeey sexy lady? and ends with ?Hey, and I rode a bull and I was thinking of you.? Lesson learned.
Principal Figgins thinks the Glee performance was a brilliant piece of anti-alcohol propaganda -- ?Those special effects at the assembly really paid off? ? and says that the rest of the student body appears to be scared straight. As for Will, he can speak to Figgins' pastor anytime about his obvious sex and love addiction.
Back in the Glee room, Mr. Schu lectures the kids about how unprofessional and how, yes, illegal underage drinking is. That?s the pot calling the kettle black, Quinn snarks, prompting my favorite line of the show. ?That is so racist,? Brittany whispers to Mercedes. Mr. Schu says he?s giving up drinking. ?If you don?t drink,? Santana says, ?what are you going to have to live for?? Heh. Mr. Schu asks them to sign pledges to abstain from alcohol ... at least until after nationals. Very questionable, Mr. Schu. He also gives them his cell phone number so if they do get wasted, at least they can call him to get them home safely. How very afterschool special-y.
Later, Kurt and Rachel lay in wait for Blaine at the coffeehouse. She?s psyched at the prospect of a boyfriend who can keep up with her vocally ?and in the future give me vaguely Eurasian-looking children.? She lays a kiss on Blaine. To which he responds: ?Hah. Yup. I?m gay. 100 percent gay. Thank you so much for clearing that up for me, Rachel.? So much for an in-depth, probing look at bisexuality among teens, ?Glee? writers. Rachel doesn?t mind, though. ?I just had a relationship with a guy who turned out to be gay. This is songwriting gold!?
Next week: Gwyneth returns! I hate myself for being psyched.
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